What do you think about my essay? what do i need to change?

"The media and entertainment industries have become social institutions that may be contributing to increase violence among young people. The media's main goal is to make money by getting advertisers. Many companies that advertise believe that young and sexy sells. So they target their products to this market group.


Children today have been heavily exposed to violence on various media, including television, videos, movies, comic books, music lyrics, and computer games. According to The American Academy of Pediatrics, by age 18, the average American child will have viewed about 200,000 acts of violence on television alone. Research continues to find a strong correlation between violence experienced through media and entertainment with increased aggression, anti-social behavior and desensitization to violence, especially among children. It desensitized children to violence

What do you think about my essay? what do i need to change?
You haven’t closed you quotes and too many of them become tedious to the reader. You can paraphrase the author in your own words and that way you don’t have to use quotation marks. It’s an option unless your instructor specified using them.





The media and entertainment industries have become businesses which are leading the way in early sexual awareness and increasing violence in children. Their goal, like any other business, is to make money. They do this by selling time and space to advertisers. Advertisers have learned that humans pay the most attention to sex and violence. They have discovered also that while adults have the ability to critically judge advertisements, children have difficulty distinguishing between reality and what is presented to them by advertising. So advertisers target children.





There are a many ways that advertisers reach children. They use sexual and violent messages in television, videos, movies, comic books, music lyrics, and computer games. According to The American Academy of Pediatrics, by age 18, the average American child will have viewed about 200,000 acts of violence on television alone. Research continues to find a strong correlation between violence experienced through media and entertainment with increased aggression, anti-social behavior and desensitization to violence, especially among children. It has desensitized children to violence





The messages in media and entertainment are powerful and increasingly negative. And, they can be very convincing to young people. “Don't go to school”, “Don’t obey your parents”, “Smoking makes you look cool”. Kids think its ok to not to go to school and not to obey their parents. They are given the message that all their friends are doing these things so they should do them too. So they start smoking and drinking at a very early age. There has been documented studies on the effects of the media and entertainment industry on children, but who is listening? Mom and dad may voice their concerns, but how many have taken control of the time their children are exposed to the media or decide with their children what they will chose to see from the entertainment industry?





According to a major study by the Kaiser Family Foundation, measuring the media consumption of 3,000 children between the ages of 2 and 18, the typical American child spends about 5 1/2 hours a day "consuming" media (computers and music, but mainly TV) at home. For children 8 and older, the time jumps to almost 7 hours a day. (QDT Amy Dickinson Nov 29, 1999)





While the media and entertainment industry are not the sole reason for the increase in early sexual awareness and increasing violence, they are the most important contributor. Violence in the mass media contributes to a number of antisocial attitudes and behaviors in children and adolescents. Hundreds of studies have confirmed that exposing children to a steady diet of violence in the media makes them more violence prone. The psychological processes here are not mysterious. Children learn by observing others. Mass media and the advertising world provide a very attractive window for these observations. The shame is that they are well aware of it, but chose profit over moral responsibility.





The media and entertainment industry are the authors of the false belief that only the young and thin are sexually desirable. One of the ways they do this is with how they chose to present the people on sitcoms. They stereotype the characters. If you are young and thin you not only are sexually desirable, but you make the most money, drive the fancy cars and live in big houses with a lot of friends. If you are old or fat you aren’t sexually desirable, you don’t have a good job or any job at all, you have a junk car or ride public transportation and you live in an apartment that’s not the best. Children are hammered with those stereotypes continually. They come to believe that they are true and strive to emulate them. Young girls are increasingly lured into dressing like 25 year old women going out to a party. (Watch WINX or Bratz on Saturday morning to see how they are dressed!) They see celebrities like Britney Spears, Hilary Duff and Beyonce and they want to be like them. This is the underlying cause of eating disorders so prevalent in our society today.





We are being manipulated by the media and the entertainment industry into how we spend our time, what to look like, and what we need to be happy. All if it is an illusion designed to part us from our money and the side-effect is an increased sexual awareness and increased violence in children and society at large. We are being programmed using our basic drives to procreate and be accepted to be mass consumers of things that we don’t need, and may actually be harming us. We need to stop being a nation of mindless sheep and take back control of our own lives.





Dickinson, Amy (Nov 29, 1999). “Must-See TV? Too much media--television especially--can be an isolating experience. Get it under control”.





Woodward, Ed. John (2005). Media Violence Promotes Violent Behavior.





Lieberman , Joe, %26amp; McIntyre, Jeff (2005). The Media Contribute to Youth Violence. Retrieved April 30, 2007,
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Reply:I did not get to read your entire essay, however I would suggest that yyou revise the structure of some of your sentences.





In the First paragraph, your second sentence is incomplete. In addition your point are all over the place in the said and other paragraphs.





Essay must be well structured (ie organised) and presented in a way that the reader finds easy to follow and clear: it must look tidy and not present any obstacles to the reader. It must have a clear readable interesting style. But, above all, it must consist of your ideas about literary texts.
Reply:I would work on the opening paragraph. Which should contain your thesis statement. I would write something like this for your thesis:


Today's media influence has a negative impact on young people by dramtically increasing their exposure to violence and sex.





Then add a few points in that first paragraph that you will discuss in your paper.


Children are reached by entertainment and media in endless ways. Parents need to monitor what their children see and encourage healthly activities.





You should add a paragraph on what you think would be healthy or other things to do than watch tv.





Also your closing paragraph should summarize your paper. It should read something like this:





To avoid young people's overexposure to negative images, they should spend less time watching tv and engage in healthy activities. Our children don't have to be addicted to whats going on in the media and how we should look and act. How can we remain a free nation when we act like slaves to the entertainment industry?








Good Luck!!